So you’ve been texting with .

a girl, be it on a dating app like Tinder, Bumble or via social media (Instagram, Snapchat, Whatsapp etc.). 

But is she really into you? Or is she just being friendly and polite?

Maybe you’re wondering:

• How can I tell if a girl likes me over text?
• What’s the difference between a friendly text and a flirty text?
• How do girls show interest via text?
• How can I tell if her interest is genuine? What if she’s just a bot or a scammer?
• How will I know when it’s time to escalate from casual chat to flirty banter?
• When is the right time to make my move and ask her out?

As a woman, I know how difficult it can be to know what’s going on inside the female mind.

ESPECIALLY over an ambiguous medium like text.

According to a statistic I just made up because it sounds truthy, 90% of arguments are actually misunderstandings based on misread texts.

And hell, sometimes we ladies aren’t even clear with ourselves about what we want.

Lucky for you, though, women have very common “tells” when they’re genuinely into a dude. You just need to know how to recognize these signs and interpret them.

And of course, you need to know how to make the best use of that opportunity.

In this article, I’ll take you through seven of these telltale signs one by one, and explain:

• What she’s doing
• What it means
• How she wants you to respond

Each section also comes with it’s own quiz question so that, by the end of the article, you’ll have a clear answer as to whether this girl really likes you, or if she’s just giving you the slow-mo brush-off.

Tell #1: She initiates

Women are socialized to let men initiate conversation. So if she’s taking the social risk of reaching out through text first, there’s a good chance she’s into you.

How often does she write you first?

• Never – 0 POINTS
• Almost never – 1 POINT
• Occasionally – 2 POINTS
• About half the time – 3 POINTS
• Most of the time – 4 POINTS

What She’s Doing

Texting you before you’ve had a chance to text her.

Even a simple, one-word greeting is an invitation to engage.

Or perhaps a one-liner…

Bonus points if she admits that she’s not sure what to say, but is initiating, regardless.

It’s an especially good sign if she explicitly invites you to engage with her in conversation. For example:

What it Means

Opening the conversation in any way lets you know she’s interested in learning more about you.

This is NOT an invitation to jump straight to sexy talk or make any kind of advance, though. That will most likely backfire and scare her off.

You know what it feels like when a stranger approaches you asking for money or trying to sell you something?

Your whole body tenses. You feel trapped, annoyed, resentful. You want to bolt.

That’s what it feels like to a woman when a man she has barely started chatting with suddenly asks her for something, be it a date, her contact info, a pic, or anything else.

When it comes down to it, people aren’t much different from wild animals.

If you chase them, they will run.

If it seems like you want something from them, they will run.

But if it feels like you have something they want, they will walk right up and start sniffing your butt.

If she’s writing to you, you’ve succeeded in getting her to come check you out.

Let her.

Either that, or “she” is actually a bot or a scammer trying to lure you in.

If she seems too good to be true, proceed with caution. Don’t ever let anyone talk you into:

• Downloading another app
• Clicking on a link
• Taking the conversation elsewhere right away
• Giving out your contact info with no reciprocation
• Anything money-related

The best way to sniff out a fake is to ask a lot of detail-oriented questions and notice if “she” is repeating herself a lot and/or isn’t responding in a way that makes sense.

How She Wants You to Respond

With fun, witty, intriguing, authentic conversation.

DO: Be yourself. Show her your quirks and what makes you unique.

DON’T: Bore her. Assume she’s heard all the canned lines and standard questions a million times already. Instead, say something or ask something unusual that will catch her attention and break up the monotony of her day.

DO: Use fun facts, jokes, and off-the-wall questions to get the ball rolling.

DON’T: Make her wait too long for a response. You don’t want to come off as desperate, of course, but you also don’t want to make her feel like you’re blowing her off. That could backfire on you and get you ghosted in return.

Basically, she wants to know that you have all the S’s:

• Safe
• Sane
• Smart
• Successful
• Sexy
• Silly
• Sweet

Show her that you do. In spades.

And if you don’t? Fix it. Your self-respect hangs in the balance.

Tell #2: She Keeps the Conversation Flowing

If a lady likes the way a conversation is going, she’s going to put effort into keeping it flowing.

How much does she usually have to say?

• • It’s like pulling teeth getting her to respond at all – 0 POINTS
  • Short, one-word replies – 1 POINT
  • Full sentences – 2 POINTS
  • Paragraphs – 3 POINTS
  • She writes so much and so often it’s honestly hard to keep up! – 4 POINTS

What She’s Doing

Giving positive responses / showing enthusiasm.

Responding in full sentences, not one-word answers.

Playing along, riffing off of things you’ve said.

When you write her, she writes back within a reasonable time frame (i.e. less than 12 hours).

She doesn’t make you work too hard to keep things moving along. She is putting thought and effort into her responses and even asking questions of her own.

She is writing long, detailed messages and giving away personal information about herself.

Bonus points if, when you drop the ball, she picks it up and runs with it.

Note how, after not getting an answer to her afternoon text barrage, she writes again in the evening.

She’s keeping the convo flowing, even when he’s not.

What it Means

She’s enjoying this conversation and wants it to continue.

She’s not just being polite or patiently waiting for you to get bored and stop messaging her. She is actively engaged and hoping this will lead to something more.

That doesn’t mean she’s ready for you to escalate things just yet. It means you’ve got the green light to continue doing what you’re doing: getting to know her and allowing her to get to know you.

How She Wants You to Respond

Stay engaged, and keep it interesting.

DO: Keep the conversation going. Every time you get a reply, respond in kind within a reasonable time frame.

DON’T: Make her do all the work.

OMG, someone please start an actual conversation already!

DO: Crank up the tension with a bit of teasing and flirtation. Nothing mean, or aggressively sexual. Just a bit of good-natured playful ribbing and subtle riffing. Bonus points for double-entendres.

DON’T: Put up with a narcissist / conversation hog. If she talks nonstop about herself, oversharing personal details you didn’t ask for and not showing any real interest in you, that’s a sign that she’s just here for the attention. NEXT!

Bottom line: not all conversation is created equal. Be selective and only keep the banter going if there’s a good back-and-forth flow.

Unidirectional talk, in either direction, does not bode well for the future.

Tell #3: She Asks About You

If she is showing interest in you–who you are, how you feel, what you enjoy, how you think–then she likes what she is seeing so far and wants to go deeper.

There is no more direct way to show interest in a person than to ask them personal questions and genuinely engage with their answers.

How often does she show interest in you and your life?

• • So far, never
  • She asked me what I do for work, I think
  • She does ask about me sometimes but then just goes right back to talking about herself
  • She asks about me regularly and pays attention to my answers
  • We’ve opened up to each other about stuff even some of my best bros don’t know

What She’s Doing

Asking you personal questions.

This could be fairly surface-level, e.g. “What do you do for fun?” or “What’s your favorite food?” Your basic get-to-know-you stuff.

It could be philosophical or hypothetical, which is usually intended to clarify your values and ethics, e.g. “What’s more important, family or friends?”

Or it could be a question about your past, e.g. “Who was your first kiss?” or “What are you most proud of?”

Any of these are good signs that she thinks you might be a good match for her.

The more serious the subject, though, the more serious she wants to get with you.

Getting real with you about subjects that matter to her means she trusts you and wants to pull you in closer.

Engaging with your replies.

This could mean:

• Using impressed language, e.g.
  • “Wow!”
  • “No way!”
  • “That’s amazing.”
  • “That’s incredible.”
  • “Seriously??”
  • Or straight up, “I’m impressed.”
• Expressing an appropriate emotional response, e.g.
  • “Awwwwww!”
  • “That’s so sad,”
  • “That’s hilarious!”
  • “OMG how scary!”
  • Any fitting emoji
• Empathizing
• Laughter
• Playful teasing
• Asking follow-up questions
• Telling a related story of her own or answering the same question for herself
• Diving deeper, pushing the conversation into even more intimate territory
• Referring back to something you wrote earlier to let you know she is paying attention

What it Means:

By taking the time to learn more about you and share more of herself in return, she is building up a rapport with you, which is the first step toward intimacy.

Translation: You’re on the right track! Keep going!

Just be yourself and answer her inquiries honestly so you can both assess your compatibility and decide if this is worth the effort of the mating ritual to come.

How She Wants You to Respond:

By showing the same amount of interest in her as she is showing in you.

The simplest way to do that is just to keep pace with her.

She asks about you; you ask about her.

She engages with your reply; you engage with hers.

When the tone starts to feel familiar and affectionate, like you’re old friends already, that’s when you know it’s time to gently escalate into flirtation, if that isn’t happening on its own (which ideally it will).

DO: Try slipping in a subtle compliment, a suggestive remark, or a double-entendre. See how she responds.

Tell #4: She Uses Girlspeak With You

As the conversation goes on, you may notice her slipping out of the more formal language people use when they’re first getting to know each other, and into a dialect I like to call “Girlspeak.”

Which of the following phrases is she most likely to use while texting with you?

• • Interesting. Go on. – O POINTS
  • Well that’s new. Tell me more. – 1 POINT
  • No way. WTF? – 2 POINTS
  • LOL that’s amazing. And?? – 3 POINTS
  • OMG that’s sooooooo wild!!! 😍😄 – 4 POINTS

Girlspeak is cutesy, jargony, full of acronyms, and openly affectionate and enthusiastic.

What She’s Doing

Using acronyms like “OMG” or “LOL.”

Throwing in lots of extra modifiers like “super” and “totally.”

Adding extra letters to words, e.g. “Heyyyyyy” and “Yesssssssss.”

Using tons of emojis, even to the point of actually speaking in emojis.

Laughing a lot, i.e. “Hahahahahaha!” vs. “haha.” 

Calling you by a nickname or pet name.

Using receptive, agreeable language: “Okay!” “Yep.” “Sure.” “So true.”

Using complimentary, affectionate language. “You’re so sweet!” “Awwww, what a cutie.” “XOXO!” Any emoji involving hearts.

What it Means:

She’s getting more comfortable with you and being less formal. 

She’s being vulnerable and letting you see her softer, girlier side.

She’s feeling giddy and excited about the direction of the conversation.

Your masculine energy is making her feel more feminine.

How She Wants You to Respond:

If she’s using Girlspeak with you, she is definitely into this conversation, and there’s a solid chance she’s into you.

She wants you to keep driving the conversation and moving things forward toward an in-person meeting.

In other words: she wants you to be the dude so she can be the chick.

This is a good time to subtly inquire about her weekend or evening plans, or casually suggest a meetup or activity, and see how she reacts. 

Tell #5: She Sends You Unsolicited Selfies

If you’re texting with a gal and she sends you a picture of herself without your asking, that’s a clear signal that she wants you to validate her attractiveness. 

How often does she send you selfies?

• Never = 0 POINTS
• Only that one time when I asked her what she was wearing = 1 POINT
• She’s sent a few = 2 POINTS
• Just about every day = 3 POINTS 
• Nonstop. I could do a gallery show with all the selfies this girl sends me! = 4 POINTS 

Same if she changes her text avatar to a more attractive pic after you started chatting with her. 

What She’s Doing:

Sending selfies.

This is the next evolutionary step after emojis: sending you actual pictures of her face, particularly in reaction to something you sent or said.

What it Means:

If she’s sending you show-offy “don’t I look good?” selfies, the subtext is obvious: she’s fishing for validation.

Women, even extremely attractive women, are often very insecure about their looks and need to be reassured that you like the way they look.

If she’s sending you buddy selfies, in which she is pictured hanging out with her girlfriends, she’s letting you know several things. 

1. She has a solid support system, so you’re not on the hook to take care of all her emotional needs or spend every waking moment with her.
2. She is a fun-loving person that people like to spend time with.
3. She has told her girlfriends about you (translation: SHE’S INTO YOU).

If she’s sending you silly or candid selfies, she is showing you she’s not afraid to look goofy in front of you. She’s inviting you in beyond the storefront window and showing you around the shop!

If she’s sending you pics that chronicle her daily activities–where she goes, what she does, what she eats and drinks, etc.–she’s letting you know she is thinking of you and wishing you were there to share those experiences with her. 

If she’s sending you sexy, racy, suggestive pics, or straight up nudes, it might mean exactly what you think it means.

OR it might mean that she’s deeply insecure and needs a constant stream of validation from random strangers to get through her day. In which case, as soon as she gets her attention fix from you, she’ll move on.

As a general rule, though: if she’s sending you selfies, she’s into you. 

And she wants reassurance that you’re into her, too.

How She Wants You to Respond

With a compliment.

Yes, she’s straight up fishing for validation. But that doesn’t mean you should hand it over immediately.

In fact, ironically enough, the more attractive/sexy the photo, the less effusive you should be in your response.

Hear me out.

The hotter the chick, the more saturated she is likely to be with compliments.

If you immediately fall all over yourself, gushing about how gorgeous she is, she may lose respect for you or get bored now that she’s gotten the validation hit she came looking for.

Likewise, the sexier the photo, the more you will need to play it cool.

For example, if she sends you this:

The correct response is, “Now that’s a nice sofa. Love those curved edges.”

A playful, underplayed response will let her know:

• You aren’t desperate or creepy
• You have a sense of humor
• It’s going to take more than a bit of skin exposure to impress you

On the opposite end of the spectrum, if she sends you a pic of her with bedhead and no makeup, that is your cue to gush about how beautiful she is without even trying.

That will put her at ease and let her know she can relax and be real with you.

Between those two extremes lie most selfies you’re likely to get: her looking cute while out living her life.

Your response should also be middle-of-the-road. Something like “Well aren’t you adorable?” or “Blue is definitely your color” are solid choices.

UNLESS of course, you don’t like what you see.

If the selfies she’s sending make it apparent that she isn’t as attractive to you as she first appeared, then stop wasting your mutual time.

Be kind, but direct.

Let her know you’ve enjoyed the conversation but the chemistry just isn’t there for you. 

Then be on your way.

Tell #6: She Teases You

Playful teasing or mockery is, believe it or not, a GREAT sign.

Razzing = sexual tension.

Sexual tension = invitation to escalate.

How often does she tease or spar with you verbally?

• She has never done this to my knowledge = O POINTS
• She calls me Nerd sometimes. Does that count? = 1 POINT
• Sometimes she gives me a hard time when she’s riled up = 2 POINTS
• She tosses playful barbs my way on the daily = 3 POINTS
• Our texts look like the script for an Aaron Sorkin screenplay = 4 POINTS 

What She’s Doing:

Gently teasing, mocking, or making fun of you in lighthearted, playful way.

Nothing mean-spirited or cruel, just gentle razzing.

This comes in many forms.

• Name calling, e.g. “Dork!” “You brat,” or “OMG such a supernerd ;)”
• Calling out, e.g. “Did you seriously just use a line from Spiderman on me? LOL.”
• The backhanded compliment, e.g. “I think that’s probably the ugliest sweater I’ve ever seen, but somehow you’re pulling it off.”
• The playful push-back, e.g. “Rude!”, flipping-off-the-camera selfie
• Challenging, “So are you gonna make a move or are we just here for chit-chat?”
• Witty banter / repartee

What it Means:

The same thing it meant when you pulled that girl’s ponytail back in 3rd grade.

She wants your attention. 

She wants you to give chase.

She wants to wrestle, but with words.

Playful sparring is a time-tested part of the mating ritual. It cranks up the sexual tension and keeps the power balance in check.

How She Wants You to Respond:

By giving as good as you get.

In other words: return her playful jabs, in an equally playful spirit.

Tell #7: She Texts You at Odd Hours

Sure, she might just be a night owl.

But if a gal is texting you late at night, there’s a good chance she’s into you.

What She’s Doing:

Texting you late at night, or first thing in the morning.

What it Means:

If she’s out and about late at night, and she texts you, it means:

• She is showing off for you. In other words: she wants you to know that she has a fun social life and knows how to have a good time.
• If she’s being more effusive or affectionate than usual, and/or being less careful with her language than usual, she is probably inebriated and, in this uninhibited state, wants you to let you know that she’s into you.
• If she tells you where she is, that is an invitation to come and meet her there so she can show you just how into you she really is.

If she’s home by herself and texting you late at night and/or early in the morning, it means:

• You’re on her mind. A lot. As in: you’re the last person she thinks about before she goes to bed, and the first person she thinks about when she wakes up. In other words: SHE’S WAY INTO YOU!
• She wants to spend time with you, in person.
• If she straight up invites you over…

How She Wants You to Respond:

If she’s texting you at odd hours, she is waiting for you to make your move. 

DO: Ask her out! She’s sending you all the right signals: it’s time to take this off of text and into the real world.

DON’T: Drop everything and come when she calls. Show some self respect and let her know you’re more than just a booty call. Flirt with her over text and set up a date while she’s feeling frisky, but don’t rush right over that night. Keep her wanting more.

If she likes you, you best make a move.

Because the bottom line is: if you don’t strike while the iron is hot, it doesn’t matter how she feels about you.